Posts Tagged ‘inappropriate’

Honduras: Lets go to your house and watch pornos.

Me: No.

Honduras: Why?

Me: Because I’m going to get hard, then I’m going to look at you and throw up.

This is at work. Obviously, I’m very professional and class act.

Baby Crazy

Posted: 01/02/2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s not secret I don’t want kids. I think they’re gross, and loud, and needy. So, no thank you, I think I’ll pass.

So when my coworker told me she is prego with my kid I say

“Yo no gusto los ninos. Cuando veo un bebĂ©, lo tiro a la basura.” I don’t like children. when I see a baby I throw it in the trash)

She screamed like she was being murdered. So, I grab Marcus’ Iphone and say

“Siri, how do I deliver a baby.”

Then Marcus looked at me said “What the fuck are you doing?”

“This baby is coming now, so I need to prepare.” *5 second later* “Wait, …. is she even pregnant?”

Turns out she wasn’t, she just wanted to see what I would do. I just she found out, huh. Oh, and a quick side note, I don’t really throw babies in the trash. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that I can’t fucking stand them.

Today at work my boss told Tom to make a cheese tray. About 30 minutes later

Tom : Hey, do you think this tray looks good?

Me : Yeah, looks nice.

Tom : I feel like it could use another kind of cheese.

Me : Well, you could use fromunda cheese… people LOVE fromunda cheese!!!

Tom: You are so disgusting!! What the fuck is wrong with you??? Why would someone eat fromunda cheese???

Me: *laughing*

Tom : Have you ever tried chocolate covered Bacon?

Me : No. But, I do love chocolate covered expresso beans.

Tom : That sounds like it will make you shit.

Me : Yeah, on your chest!!!

Tom : What would you do if you found out the world was going to end in 6 months.

Me: I’d party like fuck! I’d do a bunch of drugs, flick everybody off and punch babies.

Tom : (his eyes got huge) Did you just say you’d punch a baby?

Me: no I said I’d punch ‘babies’. Plural.

Tom : O.o

This one story happened a couple of months ago, when my brother and I were still living together. I was bored, probably blogging or something. While Jack was playing videos games with the volume as loud as the tv to go. That’s when Guermo, my friend/ neighbor, walked in.

Guermo: Jack, You need to turn down that fucking game. I can hear it from my house.

Jack: WHAT?!?!? YOU WANNA GET RAPED?!?!?!

Guermo: … Ugh…. not really.

(he leaves)

Ok, in all seriousness, even I was taken aback by his outburst. I’m used to his random inappropriate jokes and all around weirdness. But, for a second I swear I thought he looked like Jack Nicholson in the shining.

What about you? Do you want to get raped?

A while later I went over to talk to Guermo, mainly because I was starting to get a headache from all the noise. And between 2 black roommates and a loud ass tv, there was plenty of noise.

Guermo: What the fuck is wrong with your brother?

Me: I’m not 100% sure, I cant believe he said that.

Guermo: It’s ok. I’ll masterbate to it later.

Me: Oh, jesus Christ.

Brad: Do you know how to get rid of fish smell out of your hands

Me: keeping them away from vaginas

Brad: No, rub them with lemon juice then wash them with soap and water

Me: Is that how you wash your vagina in the shower?

Brad: No.

Me: (Patting him on the back) Maybe you should