Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Baby Crazy

Posted: 01/02/2013 in Uncategorized
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It’s not secret I don’t want kids. I think they’re gross, and loud, and needy. So, no thank you, I think I’ll pass.

So when my coworker told me she is prego with my kid I say

“Yo no gusto los ninos. Cuando veo un bebĂ©, lo tiro a la basura.” I don’t like children. when I see a baby I throw it in the trash)

She screamed like she was being murdered. So, I grab Marcus’ Iphone and say

“Siri, how do I deliver a baby.”

Then Marcus looked at me said “What the fuck are you doing?”

“This baby is coming now, so I need to prepare.” *5 second later* “Wait, …. is she even pregnant?”

Turns out she wasn’t, she just wanted to see what I would do. I just she found out, huh. Oh, and a quick side note, I don’t really throw babies in the trash. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that I can’t fucking stand them.

This one story happened a couple of months ago, when my brother and I were still living together. I was bored, probably blogging or something. While Jack was playing videos games with the volume as loud as the tv to go. That’s when Guermo, my friend/ neighbor, walked in.

Guermo: Jack, You need to turn down that fucking game. I can hear it from my house.

Jack: WHAT?!?!? YOU WANNA GET RAPED?!?!?!

Guermo: … Ugh…. not really.

(he leaves)

Ok, in all seriousness, even I was taken aback by his outburst. I’m used to his random inappropriate jokes and all around weirdness. But, for a second I swear I thought he looked like Jack Nicholson in the shining.

What about you? Do you want to get raped?

A while later I went over to talk to Guermo, mainly because I was starting to get a headache from all the noise. And between 2 black roommates and a loud ass tv, there was plenty of noise.

Guermo: What the fuck is wrong with your brother?

Me: I’m not 100% sure, I cant believe he said that.

Guermo: It’s ok. I’ll masterbate to it later.

Me: Oh, jesus Christ.

I was watching Happy Endings my favorite Show and this is what i heard

Jane: (on the phone) I’ve started knitting again. That’s right in a knitter with attitude. What? My jokes have always been edgy.

Yes she said knitters with attitude. Like a joke on NWA ( Niggas With Attitude).

Me: what would you do if you had a time machine?

Sam: go back in time and create Google

Jack: create Viagra

Me: I would go back in time and buy stocks in Mac and Google then pay for Raymonds moms abortion

Jack and Sam: OMG… then laughter…

To be honest i really would do exactly that

Good times

Posted: 11/05/2011 in Uncategorized
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Me: in 6 months i will be getting my own place

Tabby: what do you plan on doing

Me: curb stomping babies

Tabby: (laughter)

Good times. Good times