Posts Tagged ‘coworkers’

Honduras: Lets go to your house and watch pornos.

Me: No.

Honduras: Why?

Me: Because I’m going to get hard, then I’m going to look at you and throw up.

This is at work. Obviously, I’m very professional and class act.


Baby Crazy

Posted: 01/02/2013 in Uncategorized
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It’s not secret I don’t want kids. I think they’re gross, and loud, and needy. So, no thank you, I think I’ll pass.

So when my coworker told me she is prego with my kid I say

“Yo no gusto los ninos. Cuando veo un bebé, lo tiro a la basura.” I don’t like children. when I see a baby I throw it in the trash)

She screamed like she was being murdered. So, I grab Marcus’ Iphone and say

“Siri, how do I deliver a baby.”

Then Marcus looked at me said “What the fuck are you doing?”

“This baby is coming now, so I need to prepare.” *5 second later* “Wait, …. is she even pregnant?”

Turns out she wasn’t, she just wanted to see what I would do. I just she found out, huh. Oh, and a quick side note, I don’t really throw babies in the trash. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that I can’t fucking stand them.

Oh, shit!

Posted: 07/27/2012 in Uncategorized
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I was taking a bowl to the sink when my boss pushes past me and turns on the sink faucet.

Me : Yeah, of course you’re excused.

Bill : Well I said excuse me, but you couldn’t hear me because you’re listening to your faggy music.

By the way I’m super possessive of the music I listen to. I have phenomenal taste in music. If you don’t think so then you have bad taste.

Me: You’re the last person to call anything faggy. You’re so gay fucking Ru Paul is telling you yo calm your tits. Which is funny because you’re so far back in the closet I’m surprised you haven’t found Narnia.

Everyone was is shock.  No one knew if the should laugh or be afraid. But all my manager did was turn red and walk away. In hind sight I guess I shouldn’t have said that but too late now.

Today at work my boss told Tom to make a cheese tray. About 30 minutes later

Tom : Hey, do you think this tray looks good?

Me : Yeah, looks nice.

Tom : I feel like it could use another kind of cheese.

Me : Well, you could use fromunda cheese… people LOVE fromunda cheese!!!

Tom: You are so disgusting!! What the fuck is wrong with you??? Why would someone eat fromunda cheese???

Me: *laughing*

Tom : Have you ever tried chocolate covered Bacon?

Me : No. But, I do love chocolate covered expresso beans.

Tom : That sounds like it will make you shit.

Me : Yeah, on your chest!!!

Tom : What would you do if you found out the world was going to end in 6 months.

Me: I’d party like fuck! I’d do a bunch of drugs, flick everybody off and punch babies.

Tom : (his eyes got huge) Did you just say you’d punch a baby?

Me: no I said I’d punch ‘babies’. Plural.

Tom : O.o

I think…

Posted: 06/18/2012 in Uncategorized
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Tom: Do you think I’m impatient?

Me: I think you’re a cranky old twat.

Paul: Jeez, that was harsh….