Posts Tagged ‘awkward’

Honduras: Lets go to your house and watch pornos.

Me: No.

Honduras: Why?

Me: Because I’m going to get hard, then I’m going to look at you and throw up.

This is at work. Obviously, I’m very professional and class act.


So the other day I was in a pervy mood and was looking at the site Guys With Iphones. When I came across this pic of what looks like my friends younger brother. Now if you don’t know what GWIP is:

1. I feel sorry for you, seriously.
2. it’s a site where (mostly) super hot guys post semi-nude (or sometimes full nude) pics of themselves with their iphones.

Now that that’s been explained, let me get back to my problem. I have what appears to be a nude pic of my friend’s younger brother (who is underage BTW) burned in my head. Now, I realize that there is a HUGE like million to one chance that it’s actually him. But, what if it is really him? What do I do? How to I find out? Who do I tell? I think I’m just going to ignore this. I am NOT having that conversation with him or his brother. I don’t want to know. Not my concern. Right?……….

Oh, speaking of pics I have an Instagram. Mattlozo. Duh.

At my thanksgiving lunch at my work the regional chef who isb like my mentor he is showing me the ropes and shit calls me up in front of EVERYONE. And keep in mind in totally afraid of that because I’m not appropriate… at all. I once failed a speech for screaming “DON’T FUCKING RECYCLE!!!” because i got caught up in the moment. ( Side note: I’m not against recycling. Quite the opposite, i just doing believe on conforming to what society says, whether used what jeans you wear or how to dispose of your plastic.) i always get nervous and do something stupid like swear or saying something inappropriate. I don’t mean to it just happens. Well anyway he calls me up there and hands me $50 in ones and tells me to ‘Make it rain’ i mouth ‘ what the fuck is wrong with you?.’ I really hope the camera didnt pick it up. ( did i forget to mention this is being recorded?) So i turned all red and stand there like what the fuck do i do. Then he leans in for a hug so i have to hug him right i can’t be a douche bag on camera after he just handed me $50. Then he whispers in my ear “we’re going to go to the titty bar and you’re going to get your dick wet.” And keep in mind he’s been asking to take me to one for a while now and i always say no because my friend got pink eye from one once and i swore I’d never step foot in one. (True story by the way). It was probably one of the most awkward moment ever


Posted: 11/08/2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I spent the night at my bros and then Dora asked why i always post the dumb shit she says and does. And i said not true then she said that 75% of my blog is about Zach and Dora and my brother was liked ” Why is my name Zach?” and I’m like i posted it on Facebook if you wanted a particular name to let me know and you didn’t so suck it. But whatever point is the that this blog is going to be about me and the dumb shit i say… starting now…

Dora: Matt were you high?

Me: No. I took some Benadryl so I’m getting hard keeping my eyes open. (I kinda slurred these words, because i was fighting my Benadryl induced coma)

Dora: What?!?!?!

Me: What?… OH MY GOD!!! I’m not hard, my eyes are… I mean its getting hard keeping my eyes open… oh my god… fuck a duck…. 

Dora: Zach can you scoot over, I’m kinda uncomfortable

…..Fuck My Life…