Honduras: Lets go to your house and watch pornos.

Me: No.

Honduras: Why?

Me: Because I’m going to get hard, then I’m going to look at you and throw up.

This is at work. Obviously, I’m very professional and class act.

Baby Crazy

Posted: 01/02/2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s not secret I don’t want kids. I think they’re gross, and loud, and needy. So, no thank you, I think I’ll pass.

So when my coworker told me she is prego with my kid I say

“Yo no gusto los ninos. Cuando veo un bebé, lo tiro a la basura.” I don’t like children. when I see a baby I throw it in the trash)

She screamed like she was being murdered. So, I grab Marcus’ Iphone and say

“Siri, how do I deliver a baby.”

Then Marcus looked at me said “What the fuck are you doing?”

“This baby is coming now, so I need to prepare.” *5 second later* “Wait, …. is she even pregnant?”

Turns out she wasn’t, she just wanted to see what I would do. I just she found out, huh. Oh, and a quick side note, I don’t really throw babies in the trash. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that I can’t fucking stand them.

New Year, New me

Posted: 01/02/2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I fucking hate it when people say that! No, bitch you’re not a new person because the clock struck midnight. You’re not Cinderella, so calm your tits. Anyway, I decided I’m going to start blogging again; I’m not sure what I will be talking about, but I’m sure it will be as stupid, vulgar, and pointless as ever.

For months now I’ve been trying to take a picture of my coworker to post because I swear he could pass for Susan Boyle’s twin brother.  Well I finally did it! I’m so proud of myself.

image

This is my coworker, and now for comparison here is a pic of Susan Boyle.

image

You decide for yourself.

So I’ve been doing the insanity workouts and have lost some weight… not like a ton or anything just like 15 lbs. But my old shirts are getting too big, so I bought new shirts and they’re too small…. so.now I’m stuck in this grey area between large and extra large… fuck.

So these are the places I recommend checking out while in Austin.

The War Horse.  Nice contemporary rock bar with pretty female bartenders (if that’s your thing) with heavy hand decent priced drinks ($4 rum and coke).

Shorty’s burgers. Nice greasy drunk food.

Short Bus Subs. Fresh baked bread. Heavenly sub sandwiches made inside a short school bus. Also check out the cupcake trailer next door!!

All thrift and antique stores on South Congress past the lake (heading away from the capital)

Wild About Music. Its an amazing music store.  They have shirts, blankets, jewelry, and anything else music related. 

Lucky Lizards Unique Gifts. They have a gift shop with all kinds of cool shit. Make sure to check out the Museum of Weird in the back, its $7 per person, but it’s totally worth it.

Oh, make sure to hit up South Congress on a Saturday because there are all these cool unique vendors selling their handmade goods. They sell everything from jewelry to clothes to leather journals. There’s even one guy who buys old plastic children’s toys and turns them into pots for small plants!!!

That’s all I can remember for now if I remember any other places I will post them.

So I totally forgot to post about what happened on Saturday.  Ok I went down to 6th street because I saw this shirt on Friday but decided not to buy it because I’m a cheap skate.  But then I checked my bank account and said fuck it. Well on the way there I met this homeless guy and he started telling me where to go for drinks and shopping and food and shit. I thank him and he asks if I could buy him food and I do. But after I do I put my debt card back in my wallet and he’s gone. He left as fast as he came. It was so bizarre.  My grandma would have sworn he was an angel sent from God to test our character.  I just think he was really hungry. Anyway after that I went shopping bought 4 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes. Then I Went back to Short Bus Subs and the lady remembered me and gave me free chips!!! (They were kettle cooked and I hate kettle cooked chips, but whatever they were free) went back to the hotel because by this time it was 7 pm and I wanted to get a few more drinks before I left back to San Antonio.  So I went to 6th street and walked around until I found this bar called Dirty Dog and it was a Metal Bar (meaning it played metal music) and I was liking it until I got my drink (rum and coke) it was so watered down I was immediately annoyed and left. Then I went to this Mexican bar and grill called The Iron Cactus and according to Yelp its known for its margaritas. I went to the bar it took 10 minutes for anyone to notice me and the place was pretty empty.  Then I ordered La Muerte and nachos. First of all La Muerte tasted good I enjoyed it except for the fact that it’s alcohol content was next to nothing. Why am I paying $10 for a drink that I could have made at home? Next up the nachos, it was a total of 6 nachos with beans, a sprinkle of cheese and 1 cube of beef fajita. Seriously???? I’m used to real Mexican nachos with shit PILED on top not a skimpy sorry ass white people version of nachos!!! Again it was $10, so no I was not a happy camper. I said fuck that went back to Shorty’s grabbed a burger and went to the hotel and called it a night.